According to the Phelps family, the founders of the Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka, insisting that God hates fags is passé: God has moved on to bigger and better things, and he now hates dead soldiers. In keeping with my theory that us fags are the greatest fund raisers on the planet, the fags are central to God’s hatred of dead soldiers; he hates the dead soldiers, according to the Phelps, because they died fighting for a country – the U.S. – that tolerates fags. And that’s why the dead soldiers are indeed dead. After spending nearly two decades criss crossing the country and the world in order to show up at funerals for fags who had died of AIDS with bright placards expressing sentiments including, but not limited to, “God Hates Fags” and “GAY = Got AIDS Yet?” the Phelps and their followers upped the ante and started showing up at services for dead U.S. military personnel. And that was when, of course, the media, which had ignored the protests at fag funerals for the most part, started to pay attention.
This week, in what must be a wet dream come true for the family and its followers, the Phelps went before the costumed almighty at the supreme court. On Wednesday evening, Katie Couric led her newscast with an update on the hearing, bringing Jan Crawford on, of course, to enlighten us on the background of the case and the family.
All of it, of course, except for the fact that the Phelps have been torturing fag families and fag celebrations for years and years. I cannot say for sure why it even entered my mind that CBS might acknowledge the fact that military funerals are but the latest PR tactic employed by Topeka’s most famous family. For starters, I realize – trust me, I realize – that this country is so blissed out by uniformed young men with guns that it’s a wonder the companies that manufacture anti-depressants haven’t gone out of business, and there is no one who can be counted on to wave the flag and beat the drum quite as enthusiastically – and to the exclusion of so many others – as Katie Couric. It’s almost as if she’s angling for a medal. And for finishers, I think it’s important to always keep in mind the fact that it took many thousands of fag deaths in the early 1980s before the networks, including CBS, even mentioned the then-new epidemic. In addition to the fags, there were plenty of other early adopters in the HIV saga, including prostitutes, IV drug users and – remember this one? – Haitians. Members of those groups, like the fags, were unmentionable and so, thanks to people with minds like Katie Couric and Jan Crawford, unmentioned.
Even so, in spite of reality, I was surprised. How can you talk about the Phelps family without referencing the fags? You’ll have to ask Katie Couric and her legal lackey about that. For now, I’m focusing on another, more basic question. Which is the more ominous presence on the horizon of a future – or not – for fags? I’d have to say CBS. At least the Phelps family acknowledges our existence. They even call us by name.
