I'm your guy

There is some truth to the old bit about being careful what you wish for. For a long time now I’ve believed that politics would be better if more people who are not educated and trained as lawyers ran for office.

NBA retirees are not what I had in mind.

But, here in the territory, we’re getting ready to elect ourselves a governor, and I think there is a very good chance that we are going to elect a guy whose primary job experience, as best I can tell, is a stint with the Portland Trail Blazers. As a player. That’s Chris Dudley, who is – sit down for this one – a Republican. His opponent, whom I intend to vote for, is John Kitzhaber. John Kitzhaber is a doctor by trade. He was Oregon’s governor for two terms, beginning shortly after I moved here and ending in the early 2000’s. When he left office he made a most unfortunate statement: he didn’t believe the state was governable. I think Kitzhaber was a fine governor then, and I think he’d make a fine governor now, but I don’t think he’ll win. He’s “an insider,” and in an age when an endorsement from Sarah Palin actually means something, that’s not a good thing to be.

On Thursday night the two stood on a stage and had a debate. Despite all my criticisms of our local television people, I was impressed. One of the anchors, who asked her questions from behind a desk she shared with an Oregonian reporter, came very close to scolding Dudley at one point, reminding him, in so many words, to skip the messaging and answer the question. He didn’t, of course. He didn’t really answer any of the questions. Conservatives don’t have to answer questions. That’s because, regardless of context, they enter their races as victims of the liberal and elite and terribly biased media. They whine and cry and stomp their feet like the indulged children they are. Afraid of being on the receiving end of their labeling machine, people in the media, for the most part, have allowed themselves to be thrust into the role of AccomoMommy, who does not want to listen to her toddler wail for hours, and who can blame her? Rather than being held to the same rules everyone else must follow, conservative candidates are handled with extreme care. They are bestowed with a brand of the special rights the conservatives themselves claim to loathe. It’s a brilliant strategy, I think: it works.

So instead of answering questions, Chris Dudley simply recited, over and over and over again, Oregon’s rankings on things like unemployment, job creation, number of corporate headquarters located here, etc., which are indeed dismal. Since John Kitzhaber was governor eight years ago, Oregon’s current situation is his fault. On one hand, this is encouraging – Republicans, at least in Oregon, appear to have a memory that extends beyond the past 22 months. But on the other, it’s disturbing to me, the way Dudley concluded his recital, many times, in his dumb jock cadence, with a simple, black-and-white sentiment: if you’re happy with those numbers, then vote for the status quo, but if you’re not, I’m your guy.

It didn’t surprise me that Dudley couldn’t think of a single development in Oregon he finds objectionable. Nor did it surprise me that he thinks the private sector, even when heavily subsidized by public funds (which it usually is) is the answer to all of our ills. But I was a bit surprised that he didn’t seem to know what an open primary is. Personally, I don’t completely understand the concept of open primaries myself, but were I running for governor I think I’d study up on the issue. But what really surprised me was that neither Chris Dudley nor John Kitzhaber properly declared himself to the Oregon electorate: Which of these guys is a Duck, and which is a Beaver? My guess, if I had to put money on it, is that they’re both Ducks at heart. But this is no time for guesswork: the election is barely a month away, college football is on, and I think we all need to know.