Like many people I know, I strive for an existence that is completely free of bigotry. To me, bigotry works like this. You take a characteristic, real or imagined, of a broad group of people and give yourself permission to apply those characteristics to individuals. For example, the gays, as we all know, are horribly promiscuous. Therefore, since I’m a gay, I must whore around a lot. All I can say to that is, I wish.
In terms of rejecting bigotry, I give myself a solid B. I do fairly well, although I am far from perfect, and today I want to talk about my most glaring imperfection: Mormons. I have searched far and wide, high and low, looking, desperately at times, for exceptions, for evidence that my opinion of Mormons is informed by nothing more legitimate than pure ignorance. But so far, every detail I uncover about Mormons is unsavory.
Another aspect of bigotry that’s strange is that there’s a certain symmetry to it. The projector usually has quite a bit in common with the receiver. From what I’ve read, Hitler had some Jewish heritage tucked away in his closet. So before I delve into what I do not like about Mormons, an acknowledgement: On paper, it would not be hard to mistake the Mormons for the Catholics. Both corporations loathe women. In spite of the fact that both function as pretty fancy romp rooms for repressed homos, both put a lot of time and money into fueling the systemic degradation of gay people. They both train their young – their very young – in the art of shunning those who do not adhere. Under a cloak of “missionary work,” both want to extend their institution’s global footprint as far and wide as possible, and the poorer the country, the better. (The Catholics do have a slight edge on that one, though, since the Mormons have yet to issue forth anyone worthy of being called their version of Mother Teresa.) Both love to inflict their twisted shit on as many people as possible via edicts and policies and so on and so forth and then, when anyone objects, immediately and fervently assume the victim position. Both are hopelessly inward; having stripped their followers of critical thinking capabilities, Catholics and Mormons alike are often left with no choice but to turn to their organization’s authority figures, who instruct them, via God, I presume, how to feel about various issues of the day.
And that’s where it gets warped, in my opinion. If God did indeed create all of us, he or she appears to have equipped us with the ability to reason, the ability to make decisions that contribute, in ways large and small, to our survival, which in turn contributes to our ability to procreate and carry the species forward into the future.
In a way that’s deliciously, ironically anti-God, independent thinking – certainly God’s greatest gift – is as welcome in the cathedrals and the temples as fireworks are on airplanes.
Reason, critical thinking, survival instincts – those are just three of the things that our Catholic and Mormon friends don’t believe in, and as a result there are millions upon millions of people roaming about who are too stupid, too scared or too lazy to decide how they feel about having or not having children, and when, or when not, about two women getting married, about who’s running for school board next year, about whether or not it’s okay for someone to decline life support beyond a certain point of deterioration. These are basic, basic considerations, and yet flocks of the devoted run to the father figure for guidance, and that guidance – at least when it’s put forth by Mormons and Catholics – for some reason warrants headlines around the world.
When it comes to imbibing offensiveness with arrogance, the Mormons outdo the Catholics in two critical areas. The first is Utah, which they appear to own outright. Sadly, it’s one of the most beautiful places in this country. You could say the same of the Catholics and Italy, I suppose, but I think a lot of that country’s beauty is human made, and you’ve got to give it up for the Catholics for their exquisite taste in art, even if a lot of it is stolen. And second, the business of converting the dead. I try to be polite at all times, even to those who deserve anything but, but if there are any Mormons reading this, keep your greedy fucking hands off my grandmother. (I left the polygamy off my list because it’s caricature material and best left to the cartoonists.)
So given my bigotry toward the Mormon enterprise, you will surely understand how watching cable television last week forced me – though willingly, at times – down a slippery slope. Someone on MSNBC was trashing Mike Huckabee up one side and down the other, which is always good fun. As it almost always does, gay marriage came up. Mike Huckabee is against it because he thinks it might lead to polygamy. Only that’s not really what he’s saying, according to the jabberer on MSNBC; what he was really saying is that he still hates Mitt Romney, a Mormon (how that happened in Massachusetts continues to confound me) and he will seize any opportunity that comes his way to slam him by taking pot shots at the Mormons. Good for him, I thought. Finally, something to like about Mike Huckabee. Even though he was using gay marriage as a springboard – although really, why not? – I found myself … applauding for Mike Huckabee. Even as he’s throwing my tribe right off the cliff. All of which proved to me, yet again, the pure power of bigotry.
