$erena William$

I may have to revise my opinion about the absurdity of holding professional athletes up as role models. The microphone hijacker’s chat with Jay Leno after completing his freelance publicity assignment over the weekend was child’s play compared to tennis thug Serena Williams’ appearance on Good Morning America.

Over the weekend Serena Williams made more money than most people – teachers, for example, paramedics and the engineers trying to come up with new ways to make sure we all have water – will make over the course of the next few years. Serena Williams also told a line judge to stick a tennis ball up her ass, or offered to stick the tennis ball up the ass of the line judge for her (I can’t vouch for the word-for-word accuracy of this because I had to listen between the bleeps). For this role-model worthy display of sportswomanship, Serena was fined $10,000. For some reason, a beast like Serena Williams is paid millions while teachers are laid off and the funding for arts programs is slashed mercilessly due to “these economic times.” Hell, she could have preserved the tennis ball and just shoved the $10,000 in cash straight up the judge’s ass without making a dent in her checking account.

So I was, understandably I think, simultaneously amused and horrified to see that they’d propped her up and out of combat posture long enough for her to sit down and chat with Good Morning America’s millennial moron, Chris Cuomo. She’s truly sorry for her outburst, she explained, adding that there is “lots of stuff” that goes on at tournaments that fans aren’t aware of. And – how I didn’t see this one coming is beyond me – she has a book out, which includes several pearls of wisdom that keep her strong during life’s more challenging moments. Like when her sister was murdered. At that point Chris Cuomo practically coached her to shed a tear or two; Serena didn’t get quite that far, although her voice did get mighty reverential. Yet another reason to stay on the good side of your dead relations: You never know when you’re going to need them to help you keep the role model machine running smoothly and profitably.