Hello from the situation room

About a year ago I got involved in a neighborhood effort. We mapped out a timeline, wrote a mission statement, planned some events to raise money and raise awareness. And from day one the entire process and accompanying personalities have annoyed me. That’s because there is, in this group, a fundamental lack of acknowledgement. Some people put a lot of time and effort into organizing the three separate databases into one that’s actually usable, or spend a weekend designing a logo, and the thank-yous, if they come at all, come begrudgingly. Then someone announces that she knows someone who will let us use his garage. For what purpose it’s not clear, but the news is received with trumpets and champagne. And that’s when the one-upping gets going in earnest. Over the weekend, one of the guys who recently signed on with this effort – and who is about to sign off – put it best. We were talking about one of our fellow volunteers. The man I was speaking with has raised millions of dollars for non-profits over the course of his career. And yet our fellow volunteer is clearly the expert. As the man said, “No matter who I suggest we work with, his connections are always just a little bit better than mine.”

So I started thinking about it, and I’m not exactly thrilled with where that led. The way this group functions, if you can call it that, is identical – identical – to the way my family behaved following the death of our mother in 2005 and our father in 2008. It was the way we’d always behaved, actually, but there’s nothing like the death of a parent when it comes to putting everything into high resolution. My brothers and sisters and I promptly divided ourselves into factions. Sitting on top of it all was one of my brothers – the self-appointed emperor – who, among other things, asked me to write an obituary for the Saint Louis Post Dispatch, then asked one of my sisters to do the same thing “… only better.” On its own, in isolation, that’s trivial and petty; multiply it by 50 or 75, on the other hand, and it’s brain tumor material.

Believe it or not, I’m not here to air the dirty laundry, or to reiterate how right I am about this or that. I am arrogant enough to not really give a shit what motivates those who consider themselves leadership material. And I’m vindictive enough to truly enjoy derailing them. What I am here to say here is that I had no idea how active a participant I am when it comes to seeking out situations that repeat the same script, over and over and over again. I look for them, and when I find them it’s not only like coming home, it is coming home. I don’t have a lot of faith in these sorts of things, but if knowledge is power, I just got some. Now I need to figure out what to do with it.